![[icon]](http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/66417005/1271938) |
why are you here?
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| | Time: | 11:34 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/square/y/bored.gif) bored |
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| the joy of eating yummy foods like brownies, homemade fried rice, haagen daz bailey's ice cream, is ruined when you can't breathe through your nostrils, thereby not actually tasting anything that you've ingested.
see, i just popped three of those entenmann's brownie bites into my mouth. got nothin'.
the fall tv season started this week with a mightily anticipated bang. though grey's anatomy already started a few weeks ago, there were three premieres this week. veronica mars on tuesday (ratings kinda sucked, but they weren't so far behind gilmore girls, which isn't all that bad of a sign. whatevs.) lost yesterday. and battlestar tomorrow! whoo! speaking of which, dig the new icon? i loooooove it. i loves me some nice nakie man. mmm.
i am such a shipper. the only thing missing from this picture is the fanfic.
i'm bored. | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| I always intentionally avoid entries on or about the anniversary of September 11th. [Sometimes, I post entries, yeah, but they're not real entries. At best, they are very superficial reflections. If such a thing even exists.] If not because the almost immediate commodification of the tragedy that sprang up all over the streets of the city in forms of cheap prints sadly testifying that We Shall Never Forget made me and probably will always continue to make me look back on the events of 9/11 with severe distaste, then because I can give no more perspective or trade a story that is no different or more memorable than anyone else I know. I wasn't there. Yes, what happened affects us all. Yes, I was most definitely in the city; I was in school, hanging out in the Bio Office during my "lunch" period, we stayed in school all day. Things were beyond confusing and hectic.
I had my own experiences, but I still feel like I wasn't affected by it. I wasn't traumatized by it. We all react in different ways, we heal in different ways, for sure. But what I think I'm trying to get at is, I don't feel like I have anything to heal from.
Although, looking back at the first year, I do remember the sense of confusion and helplessness I felt for a long time after that. I do remember being paranoid, remember feeling that tightening grip in my chest every time I thought the sound of an aircraft flying overhead was louder, and thus closer, than it should have been. That same tightening that resurfaced everytime the W crossed the bridge and I saw the huge void standing in for buildings that I never once stepped foot in (not including the shopping concourse that ran underneath it) that I never knew I would miss seeing - a void that was unmistakably out of place and painfully errant.
Over time, things changed. The void became not-so-vacuous. The t-shirts and reprinted photographs all but disappeared, or slipped under my detection. Color coded threat levels were no longer so salient. I still remember the weird acrid scent that lingered in the air for days - and remember how horrified I was when I realized what the smell was - and the sight of random sheets of paper floating around in the air that day - and being confused by it, and then again horriifed when I realized they came from the Towers - but I don't think about that anymore. Et cetera, et cetera.
I lit candles the first anniversary, burned them down til it was a wee stump. After that, I sort of unconsciously decided that I didn't need to purposefully grieve for 9/11 to mean anything to me. I don't need to make a silly post on livejournal telling everyone how I feel, I don't need to join the millions down at Ground Zero to pay my respects, I don't need to attend any of the services that the school is offering. Honestly, I would never wake up early enough to partake in the moments of silence. I wanted to go down to Ground Zero this year. I never made it but I'm glad I didn't because the sheer number of people there would have driven me cynically insane. I also didn't manage to catch a glimpse of the tribute lights, which is disappointing. I settled for other people's posts (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) newyorkers) instead.
But whatever, my real point is: this year is different. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm graduating college this year and that in itself is another big change and I can't look back on my life without incorporating 9/11 into it. Maybe it's because this could very well be the last 9/11 anniversary that I will be in New York and be a New Yorker and own a piece of it. Maybe it's because I miraculously started getting the newspapers the Times Scholarship promised me and it was right around this time and there was extensive, exquisite coverage on 9/11 in Monday's issue and the photographs and photo essays moved me. Maybe I'm posting now because I just came back from Eliot Spitzer's Primary Night Party on 131st Street and he said some really great, inspirational things that I actually sort of believe he will do and it makes me hopeful? Maybe, maybe I'm just full of shit.
Keith Myers, photographer for the Times, has been in the business for decades. And for decades, he had used the Towers as the backdrop in many of his photos. In the photo essay entitled "Elegy for an Icon" that was included in Monday's full coverage special on 9/11's fifth anniversary, he said, about the last photo in the slideshow:
When I made the photograph of the Trade Towers in the fog, I was in the State Park focusing on the trees in the fog, when all of a sudden, the fog opened up a little bit and I saw the top of the two towers and I snapped the photograph. A few minutes later, they were gone. Like they are now. And sometimes, when I'm down in the waterfront in the fog, I just kinda expect them to be there. | | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment |
| Eventually, with his index finger, he grazes his father's mustache, an eyebrow, a bit of the hair on his head, those parts of him, he knows, that are still quietly living.**
. . .
He sees her for entire weekends without make-up, sees her with gray shadows under her eyes as she types papers at her desk, and when he kisses her head he tastes the oil that accumulates on her scalp between shampoos. He sees the hair that grows on her legs between waxings, the black roots that emerge between appointments at the salon, and in these moments, these glimpses, he believes he has known no greater intimacy.
- - - - - - - - - -
I can't help but hear Robin Messing's voice in my head as I read the second quote over, inciting me to, "Show, don't tell." That damned philosophy of hers will stick with me forever and plague my writing, both academic and leisure with long, overflowing sentences, filled with excrutiating rambling detail. It may also appear that I've incorporated this philosophy into my very being and way of life. Hm.
What stands out to me the most is and when he kisses her head he tastes the oil that accumulates on her scalp between shampoos. Unfrickingbelievable.
**This literally stopped my breath. I was on the platform at 125th Street one morning, waiting for the 6 to pull up, fighting back tears and I just.. froze. It is so fucking simple! Fucking exquisite! Guuuhhhhhh. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| First of all, Step Up is indeed the movie that will define our generation. It is frickin awesome. I will SO frickin see it a second or third time. For serious. Jesus Christ I am so fucking obsessed with Channing Tatum. So. Hot.
Moving on..
( cutty cut ) | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| so my brother is NOT moving to florida anymore.
why? because he simply changed his mind.
though this does not really surprise me, i am still very disappointed. thinking about him moving down there got me all optimistic. it is only after realizing that he was going to stay in new york that i realize that i seriously have zero faith in him.
him not moving to florida also means that there really is no chance that my mother will move down there. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Fort Minor - Where'd You Go | | Subject: | update? | | Time: | 11:30 pm |
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| - I have a week left at the clubhouse. While it's been fun, it's been mostly boring and I'm saying that because I haven't learned anything from it nor do I feel like I've been doing anything important, or beneficial for my own growth and theirs. So there's that. But whatever, it was a good introduction for me, you know?
- My brother is moving to Florida, like sometime really soon.
- My back is peeling like a mothertrucker.
- I discovered recently that google decided to censor me and that pissed me off much.
- My mom's douchebag keeps spending the night here. It's been a while now. I learned a long time ago not to count the days. Why the fuck is he here? Doesn't he have a fucking place of his own?
BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY!
- I have a semi-date (?) with a guy I met on the train recently. (Eee!) His name is Josh. Graduated from Dickinson in 05. English major. Working at Harper Collins right now. Wrote his senior thesis on F Scott Fitzgerald, basically. AHHHH!
- Oh and also, I am psychotic. Yes. Yes, I am. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | contents.. | | Time: | 11:37 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/square/y/cranky.gif) irate |
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| ..of the box that Apple sent to my address at 3:20PM today:
- two layers of foam crap
- one iPod/iTunes software disc
- one iPod fabric/cloth case thing
- one pack of earphones w/ replacement fuzzy things, connector cables, dock
- invoice slip that says among other things:
REFURB IPOD,30G,WHITE-USA; QTY: 1
TOTAL QUANTITY SHIPPED: 1
TOTAL CARTONS SHIPPED: 1
- air molecules
... notice anything missing?
LIKE AN ACTUAL IPOD MAYBE???
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY IPOD, APPLE?
WHAT THE FUCK DO I NEED EARPHONES AND A DOCK AND A CASE FOR IF I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO USE THEM WITH?
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS?? | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| I believe I just made up a word. Whatever.
the consumed:
- everything is illuminated
- white teeth
- as she climbed across the table (early, not as good Lethem)
- prep
- charmed thirds (not so charmed, like at all)
- the time traveler's wife (!!!)
- the unbearable lightness of being (!!!!!!)
- middlesex (again)
- macbeth (key scenes, again)
- another portion of the wind-up bird chronicle
- the red tent (!!)
- a long way down (ehh..)
the craved:
- extremely loud...
- the namesake
- some Oscar Wilde
- something light and pink ... With or Without You by Carole Matthews
- more Lethem
- a long way down; nick hornby
- little children; tom perrotta
- kafka on the shore
- anything else that's good
and also: why the hell didn't i find out about revenge of the bookeaters sooner? and why the hell is it so expensive?? and why the hell is it sold out???
yes i am aware that one question cancels out the other... whatever | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| working in the mental health field can be fucking exhausting and depressing, dude.
on a plus note, the one lady who hated me (and pretty much everyone) in the beginning luuuurves me now. heh heh.
in other news, i had an impromptu renunion with some mark twain people the other night. i was supposed to have dinner with eric in chinatown when we randomly ran into jennifer jaye and jim ng of all people and they were on their way to meet agnes for dinner so we joined them. it was very surreal and kinda weird, but fun for the most part. elaboration later. but i just thought i'd throw that out there. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| So how's about a happy entry for a change?
I need to stop posting entries when I'm caught in the heat of the moment of whatever I'm dealing with. It's a frightening thing, really, I know. Hee, sorry.
The Work
Anyway... I've been at the clubhouse for like 9 days now. Things are going ok. The thing with a 6-week internship is that I can't really make much progress, especially in a place like this where it takes such a long time for things to get done, especially since the unit I was placed in a new one. All I do all day long is help them fix the place up and interact with the patients/clients/members. Ok, so here's a definition of a clubhouse: it's a psychosocial rehabilitation center. There is no therapy; it is a requirement for all members to be seeing either a psychiatrist and/or a therapist outside of the clubhouse. Here, they're basically provided with another place to go - it helps them find jobs, go to school, find housing, learn how to function like a "normal" human being, etc. I mean, essentially all this is therapeutic and helps them rehabilitate more but there's no clinical therapy - which isn't what I expected, but whatever.
It's actually kinda stressful just talking to the members all day long (which is basically my job) because I don't know many of their diagnoses and I don't know what sets them off. Everyone is really cool though. To hear them talk about the things they've gone through is very eye-opening. I'm quite popular there, lol. Everyone loves the new intern. There are some who like me more than they should and one in particular who doesn't like me at all - hence the stressful part of dealing with the members. But all in all I think I'm enjoying it. Whatever. The commute fucking sucks though. And I hate not being kept busy at the place, but whatever. I've already decided that it's not going to deter me from the path I've chosen but I can see myself not loving this job. Eh, whatevs.
The Fun
I've been keeping myself busy over the weekends. Jess's birthday celebration was last week and it was a blast. We went to Bar None and didn't get home til 4. I got sick, of course, but what else is new? It was absolutely fantastic seeing [some of] the suiteys again. I also happen to like Miriam a lot. She's a fun person. I've been seeing Emily too. And the losers. I'm skimping on the details because for the people who read this, it's not like you weren't there at the time - and really, what would I say besides 'we got together, ate, drank, made asses of ourselves, had fun..' You get the picture. I don't even know why I'm giving this rundown. Well, I just wanted to say what's dramatically different about this summer from last summer is that I'm enjoying it. I'm actually loving it. Last summer, I was just entirely overworke to the extent that while I was learning a lot and forming a really close relationship with the lab people and got to see them as a second family (ironic considering I've left them this summer) I secluded myself from everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, else because I was just too exhausted. I never went home. I never went out. I mean, I spent a lot of time with Victory, but that just meant we grabbed dinner, took it back to our place and vegetated in front of a screen. I hardly ever even saw Lizzy and Amy and they lived less than a mile away. But screw that this summer. Bring on the social scene!
I hung out with some scholars and met the new class recently too. It was good for me because being with these people reminded me of how lucky I am to have beeen awarded (rewarded?) this scholarship. No matter what anyone else thinks. ;)
I hope to see more of them this summer. I miss my class. Jose and Artie need to come the heck back from Europe.
Theresa came to visit! Yay! Even though she was only going to be in New York for like one day, we still managed to see each other and have fun. We went to Bar None again. I made several drunken phone calls. Whoops. We didn't get home til 4 again but only because we made a pit stop at a diner to eat. Which was a great idea because 1) I DIDN'T GET SICK!!! and 2) I wasn't hungover!! Yay!! But Theresa prob woke up way hung over, if not still drunk, ha. Theresa: I hope you drove safely!!
Anyway, we spent the night at Jess's. I have a feeling my staying over at Jess's might be a weekly thing. I was there last week. There this week. Kristen's coming into town next week and staying with Jess on Friday so I'm going to be staying with her then too. Hee. Fun times. It's funny. It's like we're rotating the suitemates around Jess's apartment. Well, most of them. Jen and I don't count because we're here. And when Lizzy was in New York, Jess wasn't back in New York yet.
And um, Loser Minus One Nostalgia Day? cheesily loved it.
So in summary: I like my job a decent amount. The commute is a bitch. The only real complaint is that by the time I get into Manhattan, happy hour is like over. Well, unless I go back to Bar None which apparently has happy hour from noon to 11pm. Ha. I've had enough of that place. I am having one of the best summers of my life, despite the fact that my other half isn't here to share it with me. :( But we love each other and need to lead our own lives and besides, we soak up enough of each other when she does come home (and will be coming home for a weekend visit again soon, right? RIGHT??) AND we have our WHOLE FRICKIN LIVES TOGETHER. WHAT WHAT.
I want to have a Whedonverse and VMars marathon at some point this summer. Tell me this will happen.
Oh and I still need a tan. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Tags: | nuggets | | Current Music: | Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You | | Time: | 11:08 pm | | Current Mood: | devastated |
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| i was fine all throughout dinner, albeit quiet, but you know, dry around the eyes. we went back to their house after dinner, gossiped, watched them pack up the remaining things. time trickled on and finally my mom decided it was time for us to leave. she captured collin in a death grip and started getting misty. harry and i looked at each other as if in mutual agreement not to make fun of the other for bawling.
i started crying before i even said goodbye to anyone. i kissed collin all over his face, practically broke his ribcage from the force of the hug i gave him, as if holding onto him any tighter would make him stay, or even to leave an imprint behind would be better than nothing.
my face contorted into a grotesque crying form when i tackled my uncle in a bearhug. he kept saying i was being stupid and that i don't see him that much during the schoolyear anyway. i managed to choke out, "it's not the same."
in a horrendously garbled voice and at a much higher volume than i wanted because of the effort that i needed to exert to work my vocal chords through the tears, i said, "i love you. so much. like a father. you've been more of a father to me than anyone--" because i somehow felt that i needed to defend my hysteria, that i needed to explain why this would devastate me, at which point, he started stroking my hair and shushed me, because really, like it wasn't obvious to everyone in the room why i was crying so uncontrollably, which is just as well because i couldn't really speak anymore. i'm not even sure if he even made out what i was saying anyway.
i calmed down eventually. in the time that my uncle and i had that exchange, my mother got distracted so we weren't leaving yet. i gave collin another hug. finally, we're moving towards the door. i watch harry say goodbye to aunt judy and i hear her tell him that whenever he wants, all he has to do is say the word and she'll send him a plane ticket and the guest room will be ready. i break down again. hysterically. collin sees me cry and rushes over to me, tugs on my hand to get me down to his height, kisses my cheeks, wipes my tears away. when he tries to kiss me on the lips, i gently push him away. he says, "jeannie jie jie, don't cry." i am SOBBING at this point and since i was already crouching on the floor, i just collapse onto it.
my aunt tells me that no matter where she is she will always be there for me and i don't have to worry about anything. if i ever need anything, i can call her and it will be just like always. i cannot speak. i can only nod.
on the way home, as we're waiting for the light to change at 86th and 25th, i throw up in the gutter.
my mom buys me grape soda.
it will take much more than this and kelly clarkson to fix. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | The Pixies - Where Is My Mind | | Subject: | um... | | Time: | 09:54 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/square/y/evil.gif) horny |
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| I just answered the door wearing my BC shorts and that white ohsopainfully threadbare ribbed tank over an obnoxiously bright blue [pushup] bra, and there, standing in the pouring rain, crowding around the front door were four of the youngest firefighters I have ever seen. And by "youngest" I mean, "could pass for hot."
The Exchange:
Oh my. You are so not my brother...
"Hi," Firefighter with Blond Hair and Blue Eyes says to me. I think my mouth is still open.
"Um..."
"Can we take a look at your basement?" Guh.
"Uh... yes?"
"We do this every night," another one, I don't remember what his face looks like!!, says.
"You do?"
They file in, one by one. Hot damn!
"Is anyone living in the basement?" asks Firefighter with Brown Hair and Scruffy Jawline.
"Um.. I don't think so." Of course not because you guys came here before and said that was illegal. They moved out. I know that. Say stuff. Jeez!
I smile at them as they pass by. The last one, Another One with Brown Hair But with No Facial Hair says, "Hey, what's up?" and he so totally looks me up and down. Holy shit.
I can still see their lights flashing from the window. They're still in the building. I wish I had some way of making it legitimate for me to open my door and step outside.
Jesus Christ, this was a nice moment. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Nirvana - Lithium | | Time: | 01:10 pm |
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| it appears that my sunday routines from my adolescent years have been reinstated..
ps. at some point, i am going to need 'unbearable lightness' and 'prep' to be forked over for my eager consumption. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | High School Musical - Start of Something New | | Subject: | civic duty sucks | | Time: | 10:16 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/square/y/sad.gif) drained |
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| Arrive at 10am. Sit in Central Jury for 30 minutes. Get called to a Jury Room. Sit there for 2.5 hours. In agonizing silence. With 7 strangers. Who are not talking. With nowhere to go. And instructions to stay inside the room. Two. And. A. Half. Hours. In. Silence. *head. hit. table.* Get called to session at 12. Plaintiff opening statement. Break for lunch. Come back at 2:06. Was supposed to readjourn at 2:15. People are talking when this other woman and I walk in. Conversation ensues for about two minutes. Relief. Other jurors trickle in. Silence settles again. Longest 10 minutes of my life. Court in session. Leave. Get on train. Go straight home. Buy ice cream. Rent CSI from Blockbuster. Contemplate buying a coloring book from Eckerd. Out of necessity for sheer simplicity and comfort. Settle on movie, ice cream and Sour Patch Kids.
Repeat tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. Basically for the next two weeks.
Someone shoot me? KTHNX!
P.S. Props to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) madelineanne (ps_whores) for the new icon. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Dashboard Confessional - The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most | | Subject: | post script | | Time: | 07:51 pm |
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| On another, happier (?), yet again, nostalgic [no surprise there] note, after I hung up with Cecilia like 2 hours ago and there was mention of the Carrie quote on SATC about finding someone who loves the you that you love and believing that I had sent her that quote when she was in Cambridge last summer, I hunted in the archives of my gmail account to find it. To no avail, but I did reread all of the correspondence we shared over the summer. Brings tears to my eyes.
So then I thought maybe I had sent it earlier and it would still be in my barnard account before I started forwarding everything to, and using, the gmail. But I haven't found it yet. But I am having a blast rereading all the emails the losers and I sent to each other the first week of school freshman year, asking each other how we're doing and telling each other how much we miss each other.. it is so frickin surreal, it hurts man. It HURTS.
i.e.:
How's the college life treating you? I started classes today. Just to let you know, my clark email has been on the fritz lately so if you emailed me using that address I probably didn't get it. I'm not sure if you have my cell number so here it is:-----------
Drop me a line, I miss you! I'm drinking a frappucino now and wondering what you're doing. Harhar. But yeah. Are you having fun? I surely hope so.
Doot doot,
Carol
who just got the internet back in her room and is happy
Waahhh. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Cat Power - Free | | Subject: | One Angry Jeannie | | Time: | 07:03 pm | | Current Mood: | angry |
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| I got selected for jury duty today. Juror # fucking 5.
DAMN IT.
Fuuuuuuuuuck.
Ugh. I wish I had an angry icon. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
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why are you here?
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![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/square/y/hungry.gif){kind=small}
hungry![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/square/y/hot.gif){kind=small}
hot